Supporting a Survivor

The support a survivor receives from loved ones and trusted persons can be invaluable to her/his ability to cope with and heal from sexual assault.  The following are some helpful suggestions.

Listen

Allow the survivor to talk about what happened and control the direction of the conversation. Do not ask a lot of questions or focus on the attack itself but rather how the survivor is handling the trauma.

Do Not Give Advice or Try to “Fix” Things

When we care for someone we often try to give advice, solve their problems or fix things for them. While this is often done with the best of intentions it may not be helpful to the survivor. Instead, keep in mind that you do not know exactly how the survivor is feeling or what they are experiencing. Listen without giving advice. 

Let the Survivor Have Control

Allow the survivor to make decisions for her/himself and assure them that their decisions are supported. You do not have to agree with their decisions but it is important to give them the authority to decide how they will handle things.

Believe

It is important that the survivor knows her or his support persons believe what happened.

Support the Survivor Unconditionally

It will help the survivor to hear that she or he is not to blame for the assault.  Regardless of an individual’s choices prior to the attack, no one ever asks to be raped or deserves to be sexually assaulted.

Validate the Survivor’s Feelings

Survivors experience a wide range of feelings and emotions. Reactions to sexual assault can vary from person to person and over time. Let the survivor know that all of her or his reactions are normal.

Be Aware of Your Body Language and Proximity to the Survivor

Physical contact can sometimes cause discomfort and even flashbacks. Allow the survivor personal space and ask for their permission to hold hangs, give hugs, etc.

Be Patient

Healing takes time.  Support persons should not pressure or rush the survivor to be “normal” again. Encourage the survivor to move at her or his own comfortable pace. Assure the survivor that support will be available throughout the healing process, however long it may take.

Let The Survivor Know that Help is Available

If they are interested and open to receiving assistance, tell them about the services provided by the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center.

Make Sure You Are Getting the Support You Need

Watching a friend or loved one work through the aftermath of a sexual assault can be an extremely difficult and painful experience. Common feelings of those supporting survivors include helplessness, frustration, anger and guilt. It can be helpful to talk with someone other than the survivor about feelings.  The confidential support of the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center’s 24-Hour Hotline (216-619-6192) is also available to supporters at all times. 

Some helpful statements include:

• I believe you.
• This is not your fault.
• I am so sorry that this happened.
• You did not deserve this.
• I am happy that you are safe and that you are here to talk with me.
• Thank you for being brave/comfortable enough to talk with me.
• How can I help you right now?
• You are having a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Common Reactions and/or Feelings of Survivors of Sexual Assault

The psychological trauma caused by a sexual assault can be severe and long-lasting. People react in very different ways to stress, making it impossible to predict exactly how someone will feel following a sexual assault. It may be helpful, however, to know some of the most common feelings and responses of sexual assault survivors.

Shock and disbelief

“I feel numb.”

“I can’t believe this happened to me.”

“I feel disconnected from other people and from my life.”

Initially, most sexual assault survivors react with shock and disbelief. The survivor may feel numb and dazed, withdrawn and distant from other people. The survivor may want to forget about what happened and avoid people or situations that are reminders of the assault.

Remembering what happened and what it felt like

“Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“For weeks, I couldn’t wash away his smell.”

“It comes back out of nowhere. I feel like it’s happening all over again.”

There may also be periods when a survivor is preoccupied with thoughts and feelings about the assault. S/he may have unwanted memories, flashbacks and nightmares. When the survivor thinks about what happened, s/he may re-experience some of the sensations and feelings as during the assault, such as fear and powerlessness.

Intense emotions

“I feel very sad, like I lost a part of me.”

“I have this intense anger that I never felt before.”

Many survivors experience intense emotions in the aftermath of a sexual assault. The survivor may feel angry, anxious or depressed.

Physical symptoms

“I couldn’t sleep through the night. I had trouble falling asleep and then I would wake up every night at the same time that the rape happened.”

Some survivors have physical symptoms such as sleep disturbances, headaches and stomachaches. The survivor may find that it is very difficult to concentrate on routine activities. S/he may also experience changes in sexuality, such as a loss of interest in sex or avoidance of sexual situations.

Feeling fearful

“Every night when I come home, I search my apartment. I look in the closets and under the bed to be sure no one is there.”

“I can’t go out alone at night because I am too scared.”

Fears about personal safety are an almost universal response to a sexual assault. Survivors often become fearful in situations and places that previously, were not frightening. In many sexual assault situations, the survivor feels powerless and/or terrified of being killed or seriously harmed.  S/he may continue to feel frightened and vulnerable for a while.

Self-blame and shame

“I felt like it was my fault, I trusted him…”

“I wondered if guys would think I was damaged goods.”

Feelings of guilt and shame are also frequent reactions. As a result of misconceptions about rape, survivors may self-blame, doubt personal judgment or wonder if the assault was his or her own fault. Feelings of guilt and self-blame may be reinforced by the reactions of others who, because of prevalent myths about rape, may blame the survivor or criticize her or his behavior. The survivor may also feel ashamed. Some survivors describe feeling dirty, devalued and humiliated as a result of a sexual assault. Feelings of shame are sometimes a reaction to being forced by the assailant to participate in the crime.

Each person is different … it takes time to feel better

“One minute I feel okay and I think I can deal with what happened, and then the next minute I feel overwhelmed and weak. Sometimes it seems like it will never go away.”

“It’s been 8 months since my rape. It’s still always there, but I don’t think about it every day anymore.”

Each person is unique and so is her or his response to trauma. Although many survivors experience similar reactions, there remain individual differences in how each survivor responds to the trauma of rape. A survivor may experience some or all of these symptoms. Reactions and feelings may occur immediately or may be delayed for weeks, months or longer. Certain situations, such as seeing the assailant or testifying in court, may intensify feelings or trigger reactions after a period during which a survivor may have been coping well.

The preceding information was adapted from www.therapecrisiscenter.org.

Help and support are available to survivors and loved ones through the CRCC’s 24-Hour Hotline at 216-619-6192.

Survivors and loved ones can also contact the CRCC to receive Therapeutic Services at 216-619-6194 x141.