Defining the Rules: Making Clear the Difference Between SEX and RAPE

Published with permission from Men Can Stop Rape.

What would it be like to play football, soccer, basketball, golf, tennis or any other sport if the rules weren't clearly defined?  Wouldn't there be constant disputes, arguments and conflicts?

It's sort of like that when it comes to sexual violence.  We're surrounded daily by TV shows, music, magazines, video games, and movies that blur the lines between sex and rape, and so we all need some clear and shared understandings of the differences.

These aren't all the rules, but here are some to help you start drawing the lines between SEX and RAPE.

#1: Know the legal definition of RAPE.

Although there are many different definitions, often varying from state to state, most legal systems define rape as any form of penetration (oral, anal or vaginal) without consent and by force or threat of force.

#2: Look BEYOND the legal definition.

While the legal definition clairifies rape in a court of law, it does not address sexual violence, which can be physical (grabbing, non-consensual touching), emotional (mind games) or verbal (verbal pressure).

#3: Know the legal definition of CONSENT.

Most legal systems define consent as explicit assent to a particular sexual act.  However, an assumption of consent is not enough.

#4 Look BEYOND the legal definition.

The legal definition of consent doesn't capture what intimacy is all about: mutual pleasure and enthusiasm.  Better communication - listening, stating desires clearly, and asking when a situation is unclear - will ensure safe and healthy intimacy for everyone.

#5: Be clear about BODY LANGUAGE.

Does kissing mean that a person wants to have sex?  How do you know?  Ask before you act.

#6: Accept when consent is WITHDRAWN.

Even after a person has given their consent, that person can withdraw it at any time.  Sex and sexual situations are sometimes confusing and anxiety-provoking.  We all deserve the right to change our minds.

#7: Watch ALCOHOL and DRUG intake.

An incapacitated person (drunk, passed out, on drugs) cannot legally give consent.  If a person is drunk and incapable of consenting with full awareness, wait until you both are in a state of mind to enthusiastically and clearly say yes.

#8: Understand the CONSEQUENCES.

The aftermath of rape starts with the survivor and expands outward, affecting more and more people.  Common symptoms include sleeplessness, nightmares, loss of appetite, and an inability to concentrate.  Noticing these symptoms in the survivor will in turn affect friends, relatives, co-workers and others.