How to be Supportive to a Friend

Written by Jennifer Fay and Billie Jo Flerchinger.

Your support to a friend can make a big difference to someone who has been sexually assaulted.

Let you friend know that you want to be supportive. It doesn't matter so much what you say, but more how you listen. Find time to be alone with her. Let your friend talk - don't interrupt. Show interest in what she says by sitting close, facing her and looking at her. Nod your head occasionally to let her know that you are still with her and listening. You may feel nervous about stalls and silences - they are okay - just let them happen. If she needs help to continue talking, try repeating back to her some of the things that she said.
BELIEVE YOUR FRIEND! People rarely make up stories about sexual assault.
Let the person know that you care. This may have been the first time that your friend has ever told about the sexual assault. Give her or him whatever expression of sympathy that is comfortable. Here are some examples that have worked for other teens:
- I said "It must have been tough." (or frightening, or difficult)
- I cried with my friend.
- I reached out and touched his hand and put my arm around his shoulder. I was hesitant to touch him because he was talking about such a bad experience, but I asked before I touched him and it worked out.
- I was afraid to open my mouth. Even though I didn't think it was funny, I felt a giggle coming on. Bid I didn't let myself giggle. I concentrated on breathing deeply and the giggle went away. (If you do giggle or smile at an inappropriate moment, you can say something like, "I don't know why I did that. It just came out.")
Reassure her that she is not to blame. Blaming questions such as "Why didn't you scream?" or "Were you hitchhiking?" are not helpful. Instead, you might say, "It's difficult to scream when you are frightened." or "Hitchhiking is risky, but you were asking for a ride, not a rape."
Let your friend be in control of who knows about the sexual assault. Keep whatever your friend said between the two of you and maybe a trusted adult such as a teacher or a mom. One teen said, "I told two friends and asked them not to tell anyone. One friend didn't tell anyone. But my best friend told my classmates and rumors were spread around school. People treat me different - either like I did something wrong or special like I have a problem. I don't feel like going to school anymore."

If your friend is a victim of incest (rape or sexual abuse by a family member), being a friend means telling someone who can do something about it. You might tell a trusted adult such as a parent, a teacher or a counselor. Trained people who work at rape crisis centers or counseling agencies for kids know what to do. Child Protective Services or the police can be called since incest (and rape) is against the law.

Note: Take care of yourself, too. Hearing about the sexual assault of a friend is upsetting. Sometimes people, as they are recovering from rape, reject those friends who were most helpful at the time of their crisis. You may become that rejected friend because you are a clear reminder of the rape that she is trying to forget. Most likely, if you give her the time and space that she needs, she will return to the friendship.